The following article was written by British band, Spring Offensive:
After a few days off, we regrouped on Tuesday to head way out East to the picture-perfect seaside town of Southend. Except it’s not on the sea, more of an estuary, and it’s not perfect. At all. We were determined to eat fish and chips, like the tourists we are, and on our travels came across the world-record longest pier, lying in the shadow of a horrifically saccharine fair ground, Adventure Island (formally Peter Pan’s, but since apparently repossessed by the council). Along the front, an emptier version of the coast in Lost Boys, we found a chippy. As we dithered in the doorway, put off the extortionate prices, a local told us to “get out of the way, homos”. A warm, holiday welcome indeed. Oh, and it was pissing it down. The gig itself was unremarkable, taking place in a hotel that looked like it had been untouched since the late 70s.
We escaped the Southend time-warp, and headed straight for the refreshing evolutionary pinnacle of central London. After getting lost in Selfridges, which only served to remind us of our precarious financial situation with its £85 sandwiches and £50 plain white tees, two of us went to the BBC to prerecord an interview with Tom Robinson on 6 Music. Last time we were there, we saw David Cameron (American readers may not be aware of who this is, not because you are not up-to-date with British politics, but more because he wafts around like a damp rag, and tends to blend in wherever he is), on his way to make the infamous anti-Twitter remark: “Too many tweets might make a twat”. No such excitement this time, other than the interview itself. We made sure that we whispered at the top of our voices about how great Spring Offensive are, just to get our name into the subconscious of the country’s top tastemakers.
Then on to one of the more surreal gigs we’ve ever played. We knew about the band we were playing with, Starman, because we’ve heard about their abhorrent, obnoxious, self-serving promotional freak-show, Pineapple Dance Studios. But they were much worse than we expected. The least you might expect from a manufactured and pampered band with more managers and execs in tow than I’ve ever met in my entire life is that they’d be organised. No such luck; they pitched up several hours late (having offered to lend us their kit), then delayed their appearance onstage for about 30 minutes, presumably while their narcissistic frontman Andrew Stone demanded more velvet toilet paper from his golden throne, or possibly because their four hairdressers (yes, four) were perfecting guitarist Jesus’ curly locks. They played what one crowd member described as a “disgusting” set, in front of a 50-strong rent-a-crowd complete with Z list celebrities (including the runner up from the last series of The Apprentice) and full Sky camera crew. Oh, and Jesus left a strong smell of body odour on the stage.
Essentially, they were taking the piss out of everything we’ve ever worked for. I think this was the reason that we played what was one of our best gigs to date, and went on to have a massive party.
What followed was a distinctly average performance in Staines. Though it was nice to see some friendly faces from Our Lost Infantry and Cats and Cats and Cats, and we got to eat in an awesome noodle bar called Momo’s, we were fighting against ourselves throughout the show. Peaks and troughs, as they say. The next day was mostly a traffic jam, with a mostly empty gig in Colchester at the end of it. Within 2 minutes of arriving, a bunch of chavs had pretended to try and run us over and the venue owner had responded with heavy sarcasm to our innocent question of whether any of the other bands had arrived (“Look around; do you see any other bands? No. That’s usually a good sign that there are no other bands.” Cheers). He later surprised us all when he fixed Theo’s distortion pedal, which appeared terminal to us, in five minutes flat. The world is a magical place indeed. We were also lucky enough to catch a storming set by one of our favourite bands, Fervours. They rocked it like we knew they would. Today we head back to Oxford for a couple of small festivals. It’s going to be good to touch base again.
Great news by the way: we’re actually making (some) money out of this. Unprecedented.
Also, we have attached a video of us doing a little practice of a new song in a family dwelling near Colchester. Home cooked food on tour rules!
