I’ve never been one for the islands.  Not only do I loath the sight of overfed European men sunbathing in Speedos, but my hot-blooded Northern European roots make excess heat a special form of torture.  Nevertheless, I’d chuck my pasty-faced prejudices in a heartbeat for a chance to sail on the Bruise Cruise.

The Bruise Cruise festival is the latest development in the culture of tropical cruises featuring a specialty music theme.  But instead of Jimmy Buffet serenading second-honeymooners with tales of cheeseburgers in paradise, this cruise package is designed for a largely untapped market, twenty-somethings with a bead on the indie rock scene.  Fans of garage-rock in particular will salivate, with performances promised by such eminent acts as The Black Lips, Thee Oh Sees, and Vivian Girls.  Bruise seems like an appropriate description for the type of rough-hewn jams that will make up the nightly entertainment for the lucky passengers.

However, it would be a mistake to think of the Bruise Cruise as a rock festival that merely happens on a boat.  First of all, it is merely a cruise option, designed for only 400 passengers, on a boat (Carnival Cruises’ Imagination) which has a maximum capacity of over 2000.  The Bruise Cruise will not have the same recursive fervor, the almost overwhelming focus on live music, of an ordinary music festival; and for the most part the entertainment will be the same entertainment as on any cruise: mini-golf, spa, casino.  But that might actually be a good thing, after all who wouldn’t pawn their ray-ban wayfarers for a relaxing massage or hot tub soak after a couple of grueling, seat-less hours at a festival.

In the end the Bruise Cruise is really more like a floating Disney World for hipsters, with special events like the pancake breakfast puppet show with Ms. Pussy Cat (described as “an intimate story time hour” in the literature) and the Soul Clap 45RPM dance off with DJ Mr. Jonathan Tubin.  Spend your day luxuriating in the tropical weather, keeping your eyes peeled for your favorite musician sunbathing on deck, and then meet up with your fellow Bruisers at special open bar cocktail hours, pre-gaming in fine style while debating which shows to attend.

And if that level of exclusivity isn’t totally satisfying, the event organizers at Panache booking have started Bruise Cruise Records, a small press which will be producing a set of limited edition 7” vinyl split-artist records, with performing groups each contributing previously unreleased tracks.  Each Bruiser will go away with at least one of these very special gifts, and a variety of contests on board will determine the winners of a complete box set of the vinyls.

So if you’re looking for a way to beat the nihilistic malaise of late Winter, and you enjoy seeing awesome music live, bust open the old piggy bank and book passage on the Bruise Cruise, sailing from Miami February 25th.

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