The following article was written by Heart Shaped Circles:
Hello sunshine. I’m really not sure what is meant to be contained a blog, whether its relevant information due, like musical plans progress. Trouble is, there is little musical progress, and whether the entry I’m posting is relevant to anybody out there, I feel it’s relevant to me. Forgive me on this one, I usually write my troubles in my battered old diary. Such is the bemusement of the 21st century, I don’t really feel like I am talking to anybody by typing on a screen. Chances are there is no one reading this anyway, given that I’m not a global superstar, and the fact that everyone else have their own hopes and dreams and messed up lives to be getting on with. And I always think, this is me being honest as possible, I can’t stand faking your way through life. You may as well not be living if you spend your life hiding and attempting to be someone else.
Currently listening to Takk by Sigur Rós. Unbelievable album, I must play it once a week, especially when it comes to moods like these. So, what’s happening in my fragile musical mind? It’s hard to explain to be honest. It’s just always hitting me what an impossible task I face. I have a love for music but with little knowledge, and it isn’t the best combination. I am getting confused as to why I’m contacting hundreds of venues and reviewers and hearing nothing. Since February, I’ve had about eight gigs. It doesn’t feel enough, I’m always wanting more and I’m always stressing as to when the next gig will come, the fear of it being never. (I nearly managed to get a gig supporting Sound Of Guns at Moho Live, who are playing at Leeds Festival, but I somehow naively blew it by taking the honest approach). As well as that, my live performances aren’t up to scratch. I’ll be the first to admit my voice isn’t phenomenal. And there is only so much I can do on stage by myself, I have vision of big layered soundscapes, which are touched upon on my EP. To bring these to life with an acoustic guitar and a tambourine is impossible. I need people to play with, but then I fear I will lose creative control or not know how to work with other people who don’t have my vision.
I was really pleased with my EP. I’ve just no idea if anyone else out there likes it. I know it’s only been released upon the big bad world a few months ago, but I have barely heard any feedback off anybody. It can become infuriating, you want to bring joy to people, and it feels like I’m falling short. That said, whatever anyone said of my music, I don’t think it would please me or I would agree with them. So I’m not sure where the happiness derives from. Just a love for music I guess, I should be doing it for myself. Got to maintain that focus, don’t be someone you’re not to please others. Don’t use music as a tool, to build part of your idealistic identity, to gain the acceptance and envy of society. That can happen so easily. That’s fucked.
Maybe I’m just being impatient. Or maybe I’m not working hard enough. Or maybe it’s both. In fact I feel that is probable. There are so many pointless distractions in the world; alcohol, Facebook, shopping, thats it’s easy to lose sight of the important things. I should be practicing every day, but my demoralising job and pointless distractions prevent me. I used to play music because I loved it. Some days now it’s more inspired by a fear of failing. I fucking hate that. Musicians out there will know, when you get in the moment with your instrument, and it just strips all the bullshit away from your life, its an unbelievable experience. They come few and far between now, due to restricting myself to rehearsals, due to the fear of failing. It’s a shame. Maybe I just don’t love music enough. I feel guilty for that. I don’t know if I could physically love it anymore though. At the age of ten, people were playing football and computer games or whatever. My memories are writing poetry at my Nan’s house, being in a rap duo with my best friend, and dreaming of an album cover and somehow sneaking the albums into my local record store. Guess I was born with the admiration for music. But there is only so far blinded admiration can take you before you hit a wall. I need marketing knowledge, I need natural talent, I need to network, I need other band members. All this worry of success tarnishes the beauty of what music should be about. But what’s the alternative? To spend your life in an office, sitting at your chair in an empty shell, getting your hits from clothes and dinner parties?
Who knows. I’m not a philosopher. Just a man with a guitar, with an emotional capacity too big for his body. With little knowledge of how my mind works. Just close your eyes and keep on smiling.
