The following was written by Spring Offensive:

Today, pocket money in hand, I took a harrowing trip to my local HMV to buy the UK’s official top five singles of the week. No, there was definitely nothing better that I could have possibly spent my money on. Once home, I listened for a bit, and then I drank. I listened for a bit longer and then I drank a bit more. I took a long shower (fully clothed) and then gathered my purchases together in a little carrier bag so I could bury them in my garden. Not out of shame, but as a gift to the future.

And what will my children learn when they dig up my withered sack of treasures? Assuming the CD format is still readable, what will future generations garner from the crème-de-la-crème, the very very best, the huge stinking cheese on the cheese platter, the shining testicles of the canine: the most purchased records in the UK this week.

Our elected spokespeople are as follows.

Roll Deep – Good Times

Usher – OMG (Feat. will.i.am)

Plan B – She Said

Pendulum – Watercolour

Aggro Santos – Candy (Feat. Kimberly Wyatt)

I don’t think that we could have picked better people for the job. Some intriguing thoughts from the master of self-promotion kick us off at number five. ‘Have you been to visit me at aggrosantos.com?’ Mr. Santos enquires to his guest vocalist. Interestingly, she doesn’t actually get round to answering his question, as she seems to be far too preoccupied doing her impression of a robot being lowered into a deep fat fryer. She does however invite him to ‘step into [her] world’ and ‘check [her] Facebook pictures’. Well, Miss Wyatt, when I went onto your Facebook to have a look at your nude photos and it wouldn’t bloody let me. It seems that her privacy settings are all up the spout. It is, however, a record full of kind advice and invitation, and it is that generous spirit that I hope carries through the ages.

‘A sweet touch comes handy man, Don’t be afraid of the candy man’.

I can’t review all five of the tracks for the simple reason that I can’t remember them. And I was a bit drunk. Regardless to say, they all sound like mechanical vomit trickling down a cast iron stairwell. However, come the nuclear winter which will inevitably envelop our children in its clammy and disfigured arms, Roll Deep’s magnum opus will be sure to put a smile on their irradiated faces.  A track which is considered as the perfect encapsulate of moderns society, Good Times will surely be seen as a nostalgic lament of a better life: a life where one could go ‘late night shopping, high street bopping and champagne popping’. I don’t know what kind of record deal they’ve got, but their management should be working them much harder.

I just hope my children don’t judge me for this gross display of greedy, fizzy-pop infused hedonism.

Check out this video. It is the bands view on what music means. A pretty big question answered in our first article. Bang.

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